Biden Giving Up On Primary To Focus On Secondary

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U.S.—After disastrous fourth- and fifth-place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden is considering a complete change in strategy. “This primary is pure malarkey,” Biden told reporters, using the harshest language he knows. “We’re no longer even participating in it. Instead, we’re going to sweep the secondary.”

The secondary is the backup to the primary, the election process that’s used when the primary completely fails, such as if the primary selects a 500-year-old socialist thanks to the enthusiasm of young people and other idiots. Biden hopes to appeal to secondary voters with his relative centrism and how he appears slightly less likely to just keel over and die.

Biden isn’t the only candidate looking to the secondary, though. Mike Bloomberg, thanks to his wealth, is also pouring money into competing in the secondary, with ads everywhere promoting himself and his slogan, “There’s always room for Bloomberg” (because he’s so small).

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