Biden: ‘I Am The Only Candidate Who Can Beat Ronald Reagan’

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HOUSTON, TX—Fresh off his afternoon nap, presidential candidate Joe Biden gave a fiery, high-energy speech in Houston today, claiming to be the only candidate who could beat incumbent Ronald Reagan.

“I am the only candidate who can unite the party to defeat Reagan,” he said to scattered applause. “When Super Thursday hits here in a few weeks, we can rally the 150 million Democrats here in the great country of Texas to vote for me so we can get Reagan and his crony Dick Cheney off the Iron Throne there in the Imperial Senate. Go Hoosiers!”

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Aides scrambled to turn off Biden’s mic but he beat them away with his walker.

“The time has come for the reign of Tippecanoe and Tyler too to end!” he shouted, though by this point he had wandered into a nearby field and no one could hear him.

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