WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Commission on Presidential Debates has invited a widely revered and respected centrist named Nancy Pelosi to moderate the next presidential debate. Political consultants and experts applauded the choice, insisting Pelosi is a cherished figure widely known for her fair and balanced approach to politics.
“We think that Pelosi is by far the best choice to ensure an informative and productive debate between the candidates,” said Commission Director Rumplestiltskin Mouldyneck. “It’s important that these debates remain nonpartisan. We are here to ensure Americans get straight facts on what a stinky no-good yucky man Donald Trump is.”
According to sources, Pelosi has accepted the invitation. She will give Donald Trump 12 seconds to answer each question, after which a loud siren will go off and a bucket of dead fish will fall from the ceiling on Trump’s head to indicate he has reached his time limit.
“I am so pleased, so proud, to accept the position of moderator for the American people,” she said. “I predict this will be a very fair and informative debate for everyone involved. I look forward to showing everyone how unfit Trump is to serve, but in a very fair and balanced way. Also, I hope he dies!”
The commission has also announced they have invited little-known journalist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to moderate the final debate. State Hailed As Progressive Hub Of Technological Innovation Can’t Figure Out How To Keep The Lights On