WORLD—Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad.
After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America’s military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was airdropped in behind enemy lines but didn’t need to fire a single shot.
“We agree to an unconditional surrender, under whatever terms Mr. Wilson sees fit,” said one ISIS leader nervously after turning himself in to a grizzled Wilson, brandishing his SIG P229-357 SIG. “Please do not hurt us.” Wilson then moved his hand, and hundreds of surrendering terrorists hit the deck, scrambling for cover. But he was just reaching for a breath mint, and they all breathed a sigh of relief.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un likewise gave up his nuclear program and immediately resigned, agreeing to turn the country into a true democratic republic right away and apologizing for decades of civil rights abuses. “No need to send Mr. Wilson over here,” he said, sweating. “We are complying with all of America’s demands.”
Wilson accepted their surrender, provided they repent, believe the gospel, and are baptized.